oh thankyou life.

thank you for proving to me that im a waste of space.... at least i am in my parents eyes. yeah being kicked out about as much fun as you can have without drinking or drugs...

my father is such a looser.

how ever im feeling alot less paranoid bout a certain person right now... i feel strangly lol dare i say it?....

happy?

THRICE - "For Miles"

I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
and on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way

and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

on that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
all our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
but until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal

(as long as we live, we are bridges to someone broken heart
there's no greater love, shed your blood for your friends)

we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds
when some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there's no greater love. we must open up our wounds

i feel really down... just recently its like i cant be bothered to carry on im sick of always being messed arround, for just once id like to be able to look in the mirror and not feel like shit because im held down by anyone or anything...

i thought id got through all of this dipressive shit but obviously i havent. im now more paranoid and emotional than ive ever been in my life... i blame the ridiculous obuse of canabis myself... but recently ive wondered if it might help me to get back to it...

stupid idea really...

i was so happy that i thought me and said person might have annother chance and i guess that we are seeing each other so i should be by all rights happy...

but im not because i havent even seen him for like a week...

and the urge to start self harming again is also growing stronger by the day but i wont let myself self destruct over something like this....

its just paranoia...

i hope.

and besides ive made a promise to look after someone and im never gonna break it... even if no one else knows who i promised this to it doesnt matter all that matters to me is that i help them in every way i can...

i hate being home alone...

im scared and bored and i feel like im all alone in the world not just in my house...

i wish i had someone to talk to...

my cat died yeaterday....

cheers life

so...

just a normal night out... went for a pint at the new inn and then we decided to go to windermere for a pint and mp3 jukebox fun put on some fun music such as Thursday - understanding a car crash

n e how...

we decided to go back to kendal coz it was getting late and shaun called me in a stroppy and then was mean to me so he hung up...

*smash bang wollop crunch*

next thing i know we have dimolished a fence and a car and because i was in the sodding middle back seat i had one of those gay lap belts which do fuck all to protect you and i ended up with minor concussion and friking whiplash!

perfect!

but on a happy note im going to see Thrice v. Coheed and Cambria in feb!

wOOt!!

p.s we were listening to "one way ticket to hell and back" by the darkness when we crashed....

ironic huh?

go to the left of this page at the botton of the pale purple bar and you will see this

100 0447.mov

please for your own sanity click and see the magic....

*sighs* oh for an emo (or two) of my own

apply to this account....

*waits*

so im having the WORST week ever known to anyone ever ever before! i mean really this is whats happened:

1.my goldfish died ( i had that goldfish for 5 fucking years and it goes and dies on me i mean how god damn shellfish ahahahahahahaha im so funny... not)

2. My boyfriend cheated on me... with someone i considered to be a mate... well not anymore... that is to boyfriend and so called mate i dump you both

3. my fone got broked...

4. my MP3 player got stoled...

5. a birdie pooped on me

fabulouse..... cheers life!

wow.....

*looks back*

i havent blogged for ages.....

honduras was fucking awesome but i really miss all the oakwook lads.... they were amazing people and i wish that they lived up north with us..........

or came online sometime....

but honduras mad me realise that i was wasting my life and privilages so much... mental.....

i feel like i went out there feeling lost and got even more lost in doing so......

i just cant feel the same about anything or anyone anymore (fucking alliteration!)

hmmmmmmmmm

tblog is strange.....

damn....

*sighs* im gonna put this post on my other blog because no offence but no one wants to know this....

its just fucked my head arround and im still shaking now....

ok....

rob, some fun facts....

1. i WOULD move my party but as i and many people who are gonna come to my party have booked days off work to come that seem just a little bit harsh/stupid/unfair

2. a question: why cant you have it the week after mine or whenever then there would be no problem. i understand why you cant have your party the weekend you said but there are ways around this

3. i cant come to yours (not like im invited tho) because im entertaining that night

4. i dont want people to chose sides and i have said to a few that its fine if they go to yours then come to mine on the sat night... but its their choice

5. also why couldnt you call me and tell me instead of not bothering.... its just simple manners

ok.

thats enough of that.....

*pokes Steve (not stephen incase you all gets confused)* hello! you are totally invited if you can make your way up hear for the 24th 25th and 26th! its gonna be awesome! *huggles*

*sigh* best go revise! fun fun fun english exam 2moz!

oh yay!

ok...

thats just so pathetic! are you trying to split the group up!?

i mean really!

you do realise that in doing this its making everyone have to pick sides you selfish wanker....

ive had my party planned for a long time and just because you dont like me and all doesnt mean that i count for shit you know...

doesnt it seam REALLY obvious that IM GOING TO BE IN A RAINFOREST for my birthday and that by moving you thing it means that if everyone goes to it that i wont have ANYTHING FOR MINE?

that just seems really shit to me....

thanks alot.

*sits and waits for the hate club members to start commenting*

*sigh*

i keep getting random kinda hmmmmmm moments......

reminising tooooo much i think.....

stupid exam today was too long and was just generally shit....

phh.

i cant be bothered.....

gots a strange txt last night.....

hmm some people really do know how to suprise/shock you.... lol never thought id hear those words from said person but you know.... people arnt always as they seem....

lol...

except some who are exactly how they seem....

hehehe....

i knocked a pint over some townie guy tonight oops.... well he was in my way!

still feeling amazngly upbeat.... tis not normal but im loving the feeling and iv realise a few things bout some people that i had never seen before.... thats what you get when you take a proper look around you and see everything that you tought you had and everything that you really do have....

me and my parents have this new level of respect that i thought i would never have with them and it just feels so great.... im getting on with them because i made a physical effort to change from what i was....

a deranged stoner thingy.....

you see that actually wasnt all that great.....

and now i just love every thing that i have in my life.... when i wake up i smile because i know that i have the potential to do anything....

for example i wrote a poem today! it was inspired by william blake... he is awesome......or was awesome..... but still....

and my english teacher loved it!!

hehehe

my eye is still bleeding tho and thats a little bit concerning but im sure it'll be fine...

im gonna see the doctor on sat if its not gone by then....

lol i keep forgetting bout it and then people go "arrrggghhh your eye is bleeding" hehehe its dead funny!

and to the wonderful "hate club of gill" members keep going because you need to remember we are all laughing AT you not with you.....

well i am!

*yawns* its so nice being the only one who doesnt really care what other people think....

some people are just plain pathetic and im glad that they have sooooooooo much fun thinking that they know me.... ah well.

just to clear this one up:

1. i have no hang ups about beka and miles....good luck to both
2. i dont do drugs and neither should you
3. i have found a very yummy lad who NONE of you know so there but he needs to be worked on

4. please keep slaging me off i find if kinda amusing
5. if you feel so insecure bout yourselves that you wont use you blog id names i pity you
6. hope your having fun in the mentality group of years 4 and under

7. and finally im really kinda happy at the moment so go get something else to use against me coz really the truth is you have no idea how happy i am!

sorry to clear all this up!

any ways i have to go now.....

yeah my eye be bleeding randomly....

will try and get a picture for you all to see! hehehe fun fun!

*sigh*

i gots a new foneyoneyone! tis a moto! and its gorgeous!

hmmmm

*misses people and sighs*

*gets out dictaphone*

dont ever ever ever read old posts.....it can lead to depression.....end of note

*cries*

i really just want to be happy now.....

i mean i finally have a reason to be.....

and its like the only way that i will ever be happy ever again so why shouldnt i go for it...

admittedly this is gonna test me like fuck but the end result will be worth it and you know what if i see developments im totally up for giving smoking the boot.....

if it will help.....

some people are really pissing me off at the moment....

"i dont know you" boo fucking hoo that doesnt make what you did any better you bitch and dont ever think about calling me a friend again.... you have been demoted to shit on my shoe...........

fuck you.

just feel like killing people.......

but in a totally non depressed way.....

i have a reason to live.....

it would have been a year today....

*cries*

i hate this so much....

*pours a drink* a toast... to this we want but will never have.....

kill me now